just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
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