there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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