Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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