Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
