I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
