i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
