she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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