1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
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