thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
