I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
