umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I got inside last night via doggy door
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Randomize
