and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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