I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
