remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
We left the knife in your bed.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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