It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I intend to get homeless drunk
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
