The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
a search helicopter?!
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
