how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Randomize
