I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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