Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Randomize
