Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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