The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
