omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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