I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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