Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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