I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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