I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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