god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
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