The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
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