My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
We were destined to go to rehab together
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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