dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Randomize
