.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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