You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Randomize
