We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
