I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
