Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
