Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
