On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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