The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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