im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Randomize
