You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
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