I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
