watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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