I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Randomize
