he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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