Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Randomize
