Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
