White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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