I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
