I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Randomize
