Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Randomize
