There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
