god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Let the clothes fall where they may.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
