I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
