Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
