i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
