Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
